Nigger Jokes


Some Niggers Never Die, They Just Smell that Way. What are three things you can't give a nigger? A black eye, a fat lip and an education. Why do niggers wear wide-brimmed hats? So pigeons can't shit on their lips. Why did so many nigger soldiers get killed in Vietnam? Every time someone yelled "Get down!" the niggers would jump up and start dancing. What do you get when you cross a nigger with a Vietnamese? Nothing. There are some things even a Vietnamese won't do. What's black and tan and looks good on a nigger? A Doberman Pinscher. What's the fastest animal in the world? The Ethiopian chicken. Did you hear about Evel Knieval's new motorcycle stunt? He's going to ride through Ethiopia with a sandwich tied to his back. Did you hear about Ku Klux Knieval? He tried to jump 50 niggers with a steam roller. Why was golf invented? So white people get a chance to dress like niggers. What do you do if you see a nigger with half a head? Stop laughing and reload. Why did god create orgasms? So niggers know when to stop. Why did god give niggers rhythm? Because he fucked up their hair, nose and lips. Why are so many niggers moving to Detroit? They heard there were no jobs there. Why can't nigger women become nuns? Because they can't get used to saying 'superior' after 'Mother'. How do you fit 15 niggers in the back of a Cadillac? Don't worry, they'll figure it out. What's yellow and black and makes you laugh ? A bus full of niggers going over a cliff. How do you stop a nigger from drowning? You don't. Whats blue and hangs in my front yard? My nigger I can paint him whatever color I want. Why do seagulls have wings? To beat the niggers to the dump. What's a crying shame? When a bus full of niggers drives off a cliff and there were 3 empty seats. What do you call an Ethiopian with a feather up his ass? A dart. Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years? Because one of them lost a quarter. What does N.A.A.C.P stand for? Niggers Are Always Causing Problems How many spics does it take to have a bath? Five, one to lie in the tub and four to spit on him. What do a nigger and an apple have in common? They both look good hanging from a tree. Why are niggers always buried 12 feet deep? Deep down they're good people. What's the difference between a porch monkey and a yard ape? The length of the chain. What's black, orange, and very pretty? A nigger on fire. What do you have if you've got a nigger up to his neck in cement? Not enough cement. How was copper wire invented? Two jews fighting over a penny. How do you starve a nigger? Hide his welfare check under his work boots. How do you get 12 niggers in a Volkswagen? Throw in a welfare check. How do you get them out? Throw in a job application. Why are there trees in Harlem? Public transportation. How does a black woman fight crime? She has an abortion. What do you say when you see your T.V. floating around at night? "Drop it nigger." What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream in the oven. What's the difference between a nigger and a snow tire? A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it. What would you call the Flintstones if they were black? Niggers. Why don't sharks eat niggers? They think it's whale shit. What do you call a nigger in a tree with a briefcase? Branch manager. How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek? They don't work in the future, either. Why do niggers cry during sex? The Mace. How do you stop a nigger from drowning? Take your foot off the back of his head. How do you get a nigger out of a tree? Cut the rope. What did the Alabama sherriff call the nigger who had been shot 15 times? Worst case of suicide he had ever seen. What do you get when you cross a retard with a gang banger? Someone who spray paints on a chain link fence. Why do niggers stink? So blind people can hate them too. What do you get when you cross a nigger and a spic? Someone too lazy to steal. Why don't niggers take aspirin? They refuse to pick the cotton out. What do nigger kids get for Christmas? Your bike. What's a niggers idea of foreplay? "Don't scream or I'll cut you, bitch." Why do spics drive low-riders? So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time. What do you get when you cross a jew and a gypsy? A chain of empty retail stores. Why don't nigger kids play in the sandbox? Cats keep covering them up. What do you call an apartment full of niggers? A COON-dominium. Why are there no nigger astronauts? Their lips explode at 50,000 feet. How do you babysit a niglet? Wet his lips and stick him to the wall. How do you get him down? Teach him to say "Motherfucker." How else do you babysit a niglet? Put Velcro on the ceiling and tell him to jump. How do you get him down? Invite the spics over, blindfold them and tell them it's a piƱata party. Why do jews have big noses? Air is free. What is a nigger on a bike? Thief. What's long and black and smells like shit? The welfare line. What do you call 50 niggers at the bottom of the ocean? Good start. What is the worst 3 years of a niggers life? First grade. How was break dancing invented? Niggers trying to steal hubcaps from moving cars. Why do niggers keep chickens in their back yards? To teach their kids how to walk. How do you know Adam and Eve were not black? You ever try to take a rib from a nigger? What is a nigger? Proof that skunks fuck monkeys. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead nigger in the road? The dead dog has skid marks in front of it. What did Abe Lincoln say after a 3 day drunk? "I set WHO free?" Why are chimps always frowning? They know in a million years they are going to turn into niggers. Why is interrogating a Mexican like a pool ball? The harder you hit it the more English you get. How many jews can you fit in a VolksWagon? All of them if you put them in the ashtray. A nigger and a spic jump off the Empire State Building, who hits the ground first? Who cares. A nigger and a spic jump off the Empire State Building, who hits the ground first? The spic, because the nigger had to stop on the way down and spray paint "motherfucker" on the wall. Why don't spics have barbeques? The beans keep falling through the grill. You hear about the new car made in Israel? Not only can it stop on a dime, it will go back and pick it up. What do you call an Ethiopian with a pickle on his head? A quarter-pounder. How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth? All of them. How do you start a foot race in Ethiopia? Roll a doughnut down the street. How many niggers does it take to pave a driveway? One if you spread him real thin. How do you blindfold a chink? Dental floss. How do chinks name their kids? They throw silverware down the stairs. What's the difference between a nigger and a bag of shit? The bag. What's the most confusing day in Harlem? Father's Day. When does a Black man turn into a nigger? As soon as he leaves the room. What do you call a nigger with a Harvard education? Nigger. What do you call a nigger in a courtroom in a 3 piece suit? The defendant. There is a nigger and a spic in a car, who's driving? The cop. Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling? He doesn't know he's black. How long does it take a nigger bitch to take a shit? 9 months. Why don't nigger women wear panties to picnics? To keep the flies off the chicken. Why does Alabama have niggers and California have earthquakes? California got first pick. Why do Mexican cars have those little steering wheels? So they can drive handcuffed. Why are niggers like sperm? Only one in a million actually work. What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms? Niger nigger nigger. How do you fit 100 Cubans in a shoe box? Tell them its a raft. Why do police dogs lick their ass? To get the taste of nigger out of their mouth. What can a pizza do that a nigger can't? Feed a family of four. Why did the nigger carry a piece of shit in his wallet? I.D. What is red green yellow orange purple and pink? A nigger dressed for church. Why do niggers have flat noses? That's where god put his feet when he was pulling off their tails. Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots? They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending. What is the difference between a white owl and a black owl? A white owl goes, "Who, who," a black owl goes, "Who dat? Who dat?" Did you hear about the new Black Barbie? It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check. What is black, white, and rolls off the end of the pier? A nigger and a seagull fighting over a chicken wing. What do you get when you cross a nigger with a gorilla? A dumb gorilla. What is the difference between Batman and a black man? Batman can go out at night without Robin. Did you hear about the new Chap Stick for niggers? It comes in a spray can. What's the difference between niggers and pit-bulls? It's still legal to own a pit-bull. What do you say to a black man in uniform? "I'll have a Big Mac with cheese and a coke." Why do niggers walk the way they do? Because they spent the first nine months of their lives dodging a coat hanger. What happened when the Ethiopian fell in the crocodile pit? He ate six crocs before they could pull him out. Why do niggers call white people "honkies"? That's the last sound they hear before the white people run them over. How do you stop a nigger from going out? Pour more gas on him. Did you hear about the nigger with insomnia? He kept waking up twice a week. What do you do if you run over a nigger? Reverse. Why do decent white folks shop at nigger yard sales? To get all their stuff back. Who were the three most famous women in black history? Aunt Jemima, Diana Ross, and Mother Fucker! Hear about the new bumper sticker that says "Run, Jesse, Run"? You put it on the front of your car. What do Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles have in common? They're both niggers. How come Stevie Wonder & Ray Charles can't read? They're both niggers. What's the difference between dog shit and niggers? When dog shit gets old it turns White and quits stinking. What happened when the nigger looked up his family tree? A gorilla shit on his face. Why don't niggers like blowjobs? They don't like any jobs. What do you call a nigger priest? Holy shit. Why do niggers always have sex on their mind? Because they've got pubic hair on their head! Why do niggers put their garbage out in clear plastic bags? So mexicans can window shop. Why do mexicans buy Cabbage Patch dolls? Because they come with birth certificates. Why don't mexicans have any Olympic teams? Because all the mexicans who can run, jump, or swim have already left the country. Why don't mexicans play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them. Why do mexicans have re-fried beans? Have you ever heard of a mexican doing anything right the first time? How can you tell a mexican airline? It's the one with hair under the wings. What do you get when you cross a mexican with an octopus? I don't know but it sure can pick lettuce. What are three things you can't give a nigger? A black eye, a fat lip and an education. What do niggers use to wash their white clothes? BLEEATCH! Why can't spics be firefighters? They can't tell Jose from hose B. What did the nigger say when he slid down the zebra? Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't. What is the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian? A pair of jeans only has one fly on it. What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that you never want to call a black person? Neighbor. What do you call two Ethiopians in a gold sleeping bag? Twix. Why is a Spic like a Skunk? Beause they're half balck and half white, and smell like shit. What's the difference between a nigger and a letter? You can send a letter back to where it came from. What's the difference between the holy grail and a nigger's daddy? You may find the grail. What is black, runny, and scratches on glass? A nigger in a microwave. What do you call 9 mexicans in front of your house? A spicket fence. How does the navy use niggers? They debone them and use them as wetsuits. What does Pontiac stand for? Poor Old Niggers Think Its A Cadillac. Do you remember the nigger family on the Jetsons? No? The future looks pretty good! Did you hear about the nigger that thought he was bleeding to death? Turns out he just had diarrhea. Why don't jews like oral sex? It's too close to the gas chamber. Why don't you run over a nigger on a bike? Its probably your bike. What do you call 50 niggers burried up to their necks in dirt? Afro-turf. Why do niggers drive with their windows up? They think the smell is coming from outside. Why do niggers eat tootsie rolls with a fork? So they don't bite their fingers. What do you call two nigger cops on motorcycles? Chocolate chips. Why don't niggers celebrate Thanksgiving? KFC isn't open on holidays. Why do niggers like basket ball? It involves running, shooting and stealing. What has four legs and a black arm? A happy pitbull. How do you know if a nigger is well hung? If you can't fit your finger between his neck and the noose. Did you hear about the jewish child molestor? He hid in the bushes and said, "Hey little boy, wanna buy some candy?" Did you hear about the jew bitch who told her husband, "Give me 10 inches and make it hurt."? He fucked her twice and threw her down the stairs. How many nigger college students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but he gets 6 credits for it. --- A spic walks into a bar and says, "Hey, nigger, give me a drink." The nigger bartender says, "I'll give you a drink, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn't refer to me as a "nigger." "Oh man!, I am sure sorry about that bro'. Won't happen again." A few minutes later the spic says, "Hey moon crickett, another round." The nigger says,"Hey, look, I really don't want you calling me "moon crickett" either." The spic says,"Sorry bootlips, I didn't mean anything by it." The bartender says, "OK that's it! How would you like it if you were the bartender and I came in here calling you names?" "I don't know, let's find out." So the spic puts on an apron and goes behind the bar and the nigger walks outside and comes back in and shouts, "Hey wetback! I want a fucking drink!" The "bartender" stops washing glasses and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve niggers in here." In a first grade class on the first day of school, the teacher wanted to get to know all the students, so she had them all stand up and say their names. A little niglet stood up and said that his name was "Mother Fucker." "Excuse me?" asked the incredulous teacher. "That's right ho, my name be Mother Fucker." "Well listen here," said the teacher, "this may be the first day of school, and you may think you can use foul language to get attention, but I can assure you that I won't tolerate it. Now, tell me your real name right now or I will send you straight to the principal's office." The black boy replied, "Look bitch, I said my name be Mother Fucker, and I mean ta tell ya, it be Mother Fucker!" "Well, that's it! Get out of my classroom right now!" The boy headed for the door and when he got there he turned to his twin brother who was also in the classroom and said, "Come on, Fuck Face, the bitch ain't gonna believe you either." A nigger walks into a bar with a duck on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Hey, cool, where did you get that?" Duck says, "Africa, they are all over the fucking place." Nigger walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctuh, you gots ta hep me! I'm dyin' and it hurts!" "Well, where does it hurt, boy?" "Oh lawd, it hurts here," pointing to his leg, "And it hurts here," pointing to his arm, "And it's killin' me here," pointing to his stomach. After a full examination, the doctor says, "Get out of my office you asshole, all you have is a broken finger!" The Pope, a boyscout, and the smartest nigger in the world are on an airplane. The engines fail, the plane starts going down, and there is only 2 parachutes. The smartest nigger in the world says, "Due to my extraordinarily high intelligence, I believe it is imperative that I survive and continue to show my people the path to greatness." He grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The Pope tells the boyscout, "I am an old man and I am ready to meet God, so you may use the remaining parachute, my son." The boyscout replies, "No, that's cool Pope, we both have parachutes because that nigger just jumped out of the plane with my backpack." A priest and a rabbi show up at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Can I help you boys?" "Well, yeah, we just died and we would like to come in to Heaven." Peter looks at his clipboard and says, "I don't think so. You have been pretty bad on Earth and we don't let people like that in here. But I'll tell you what; go ahead and go to Hell, just for now. If Satan will let you come back, I will let you in." Peter sends them away laughing, because Satan never lets anyone go to Heaven. About 10 minutes later the preacher shows back up at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "No shit! Satan let you come back?" "Yeah, he was in a good mood and said for $20 bucks each we could get out of Hell." "Well, where is that rabbi?" "I don't know, when I left he had Satan down to $19.95." There is this rich Texas rancher who has a 100 meter long swimming pool with a shark in it. He has always said if anyone could swim from one end to the other without being eaten, he would give them either his daughter or his ranch. Well, his beautiful daughter had gone off to art school in New York and brought a nigger classmate home to one of her Dad's big barbeques. Of course, everyone is talking about how fucked up it is that the rancher's daughter brought a nigger there, when all of a sudden there was a huge splash. Everyone looked, and it was the nigger swimming his black ass off with the shark hot on his trail. At the other end of the pool the nigger threw himself out of the water and lay gasping and panting on the ground. The rancher came up and said, "Well, shit. I am a man of my word, so do you want my ranch or my daughter?" The nigger said, " Neither, I just want to know who pushed me into the pool." It was the Summer of 1968 and a nigger showed up at the Pearly Gates. Peter comes out and says, "Uh, is there something I can do for you? I mean, we don't let niggers in here." "I know," said the nigger, "It's just that, I am from Alabama, and I grew up around White folks, and I like White folks, and I even married a White woman, so I thought maybe I could get in." Peter said, "Wait, you say you married a White woman in Alabama? When the hell was this?" The nigger looks at his watch and says, "Oh, about 10 minutes ago." Two white convicts escape from their prison, only to find that a nigger has followed them out and is running along with them. The three of them see a few tree in the distance and they each climb up one to avoid the bloodhounds that are tracking them. When the police and dogs get to the first tree the dogs go crazy, barking and jumping. The White convict goes, "Meeeow," and the cops just think it is a cat stuck in a tree. So they go to the next tree where the other White convict says, "Hoo Hoo hoo Hoooo." The police figure it is just an owl in the tree. The nigger, hearing how the 2 White guys avoided capture, figures he will do the same, and when the dogs get to his tree, he lets out a lou, "Moooooooooo." So anyway, they all three get captured, and now they face the firing squad. The first White guy is standing there and as the warden says, "Ready.....Aim...." the prisoner points behind the cops and yells, "Tornado!" As the firing squad turns to look for the twister, the convict jumps over the wall and escapes. Now they have the second White convict standing there. "Ready.....Aim...." He points over their shoulders and yells, "Flash flood!", and escapes as they turn to look. Now the nigger has his turn. "Ready.Aim....." Just then the nigger jumps up and points and yells, "Fire!" 2 priests are arguing over whether God is black or White. Finally the one says he will just go ask God himself. When he comes back he says with a shrug, "I don't know, he just said 'I am what I am'" The other priest says, Well, that proves it! God is white!" "How can you be so sure?" "Well, because, if God was a nigger he would have said, "I is what I is." Two big, fat, greasy nigger bitches are at the zoo. These are some big buffarilla type women. So they go to the monkey section where the sign says, "Don't feed the gorilla." But the one woman tries to feed the big silverback a bannana anyway. Well, the huge gorilla walks over, bends the bars apart, grabs the nigger woman inside the cage, and beats the shit out of her and commences to raping her in the ass. It takes the zoo keepers 20 minutes to make the gorilla let go of her. They were spraying it with a fire hose, hitting it with sticks, finally they shot it with about 5 tranquilizers. So the one nigger woman goes to visit her friend in the hospital, and she is fucked up. Swollen eyes, missing teeth, hair all torn out, and as soon as she sees her friend she breaks out crying and sobbing. "There, there honey," says her friend, comforting her and holding her, "We are gonna get you through this and you are gonna be jus' fine, honey." "I know, I know," says the first one, "But he don't call and he don't write and he don't come visit....." A black nun and a White nun are walking through Central Park at night when 2 niggers jump out and start raping them. The white nun prayed out loud, "Oh, forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do." The black nun exclaims, "Mine sure do!" So a nigger gets a job digging telephone pole holes and at the end of the day the foreman comes by to see how many he had gotten done. "One, boss," he replied. "One! Hell everybody else can dig 15 holes a day!" "Yeah, sure, but they way they dig them, look how much of the telephone pole is still sticking out of the ground!" A White man and a nigger are walking through the jungle when a lion jumps out to attack them. The White man throws a handful of sand in the lion's face and climbs up a tree real quick, and says to the nigger, who is still standing on the ground, "Hey, you better get your black ass up in this tree!" "Why?," said the spook, "I didn't throw sand in his face." The F.B.I. sends an agent to South Africa to learn how the police there stop riots. The South African Police General takes him to a township disturbance where the police fire tear gas grenades at the niger mob. The mob runs away a few blocks, regroups, and comes rushing back at the police. Then the cops open up on them with powerful fire hoses, sending the rioters spinning down the street like soccer balls. They regroup and come charging back again, only to be met with squads of German Shepherd attack dogs. They bite those niggers so full of holes that they run like hell and don't come back. "Very impressive," says the F.B.I. agent, "But let me ask you; since the dogs were so effective, why not just use them first?" "Ah, you don't understand," said the Police general, "The niggers down here smell so bad, first we have to fumigate them and rinse them off before our dogs will touch them." A guy walks into a bar and exclaims, "Goddamn, niggers are fucking assholes!" Someone at the end of the bar says, "Hey, I am offended by that!" "Why, you aren't a nigger." "I know, I'm a fucking asshole!" A house at the end of the street in a small country town catches on fire. Soon it is fully engulfed in flames and it looks like there is no hope, when all of a sudden here comes a beat up old Chevy truck with a whole family of niggers crammed into it. Must have been 20 of them. Well, they come tearing through town, honking and waving and screaming for people to get out of the way, and they drive right straight into that burning house and stomp the whole damn fire out with their bare feet. The townspeople come crowding around them and congratulate them and thank them for saving the house, and as a token of their gratitude, they give the nigger family $100. "What are you going to do with the money?" they asked. "Well," says the father of the family, "First off we is gonna fix dem fuckin' brakes!" A man is driving down the road and he sees a nigger family carrying furniture and dishes into an outhouse. He just shakes his head and keeps driving. The next day he sees them attaching a satellite dish to the roof of the outhouse. He just shakes his head and keeps driving. The next day he drives by and sees two satellite dishes on the roof, and he stops to see what the hell is going on. He says to the nigger, "OK, first I see you carrying furniture into the outhouse and I figure you were moving in. Then I see you putting a dish on the roof, and I figure if you are living in a shithouse you might as well watch T.V. But now I see two dishes on the roof. It is such a small outhouse, why do you need two satellite dishes?" The nigger replied, "Oh, we rented the basement out to Mexicans." A hindu a jew and a nigger are all walking through the country and stop at a farmer's house to see if they could sleep there for the night. "Well," said the farmer, "All I got fer ya is the barn." The three travellers all agreed that the barn was fine, and the farmer showed them the way. A few minutes later there is a knock at the farmer's door. It was the hindu. He said, "I am very sorry, but there is a cow in the barn and it is strictly forbidden for me to sleep in the barn with a cow. Besides, it smells like shit out there." "Oh, fine, you can sleep in the damn house!" said the farmer. A few minutes later there is another knock at the door. This time it's the jew. He said, "Sir, I am jewish, and you expect me to sleep in the same barn as a pig? A dirty, disgusting, filthy swine? Besides, it smells like shit out there." "Fine, fine, you can sleep in the damn house, just stop bitching!" A few minutes later there is another knock at the door. "I swear to god if it's that damn nigger I am going to whip his ass, because I'll be damned if I let him sleep in my house!" The farmer opened the door and it was the pig and the cow. A nigger finds a magic lamp and rubs it and when the genie pops out he told her he wanted to be "Tight, White, and outta sight!" So she turned him into a Tampon. Two niggers walking down the street see a sign that says, "Turn White for $15." The two groids turn their pockets inside out only to discover that one has a 20 dollar bill and the other one has a 10 dollar bill. Since neither one of them has exactly $15, they can't figure out how they can both get turned White.....Finally one of them has a stroke of genius. "You take $20 and go in there and get turned White, then when you come out you can give me your $5 change and then I will have $15 and I can get turned white, too!" "Bet, dog," says the other bootlip, and he goes inside. 10 minutes later, you wouldn't believe it. That nigger was blond haired, blue eyed, and even had on a suit and a tie. The first nigger says, "Man, holy shit, I can't believe it, you are really White! Hurry up and give me that $5 so I can do it too!" "Fuck you, nigger, get a job!" A first grade teacher wanted to help her students learn black history so one Thursday, she told them that she would read them some famous quotes and whoever could guess who said it could stay home from school the next day. The first one she read was, "By any means necessary." Hands shot up. "Yes, Leroy, can you tell me who said that?" "Malcom X." "That's right," said the teacher, "You may go home now, and you don't have to come to class tomorrow." The next one was, "I have a dream." Again, dozens of little black hands went up. "Yes, Shaquita, do you know who said that?" "Martin Luther King, Jr." "Why yes, that's right, you can go home early and skip school tomorrow also." From the back of the classroom came a disgusted voice, "You goddamn niggers make me fucking sick." The teacher ran to the back of the room and screamed, "Who said that!?" The little White boy jumped out of his chair and headed for the door, saying on his way out, "David Duke. See ya Monday, bitch!" A nigger finds a lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out and offers to grant him a wish. He told her he wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of his life with 3 women in bed with him. The next day he woke up in bed with Hillary Clinton, Lorena Bobbitt, and Tonya Harding. His dick was gone, his leg was broken, and he didn't have any health insurance. An old jew bitch was walking her grandson down the beach when a huge wave came up and washed the little boy out to sea. The old woman shook her fist at the sky and cursed God for 20 minutes for taking her only grandson. Finally God couldn't stand the irritating bitch anymore and he sent another wave that set the boy, unharmed, gently back at her feet. After a quick search of the boy she shook her fist at the sky and shrieked, "He had 50 cents in his pocket when you took him!" A nigger couple showed up at the Pearly Gates. Peter came out and said, "Yes?" "Uh, well sir, my wife and I just died in a car wreck, and we thought we could get into Heaven now." Peter looked at his clipboard and shook his head. "No, you two have been pretty scandalous, I don't think we can have you in here. Well....tell you what. I will bring you back to life and put you back on Earth for 30 days. If you can show some self control and abstain from having sex for the whole month, I will let you in." A month later the 2 showed back up at Heaven. "Well," said Peter, "how did you do?" The nigger replied, "Well, we did great for the first 28 days, but then my wife dropped a bag of potato chips on the floor, and when she bent down to pick them up I just lost it and did her right there on the floor." "That's too bad, because now you know I can't let you into Heaven," said Peter. "Oh, that's OK," said the nigger, "they won't let us back in the grocery store, either." An Indian chief went to a whorehouse and said he wanted a woman. The madam asked him if he had ever been with a woman before, and he said no. She told him to go find a tree with a hole in it and practice on that for a while. He came back a week later and said he had practiced fucking a hole in a tree and now he wanted a woman. He went upsatairs with a whore, but about 30 seconds later she came running down the stairs yelling and screaming, bloody and bruised, with the injun running behind her swinging a large stick. The madam said, "What the hell are you doing to my whore?" The indian replied, "This time me check for bees first!" A little niglet put some flour on his face and when his mother came home he said, "Look Momma, I is a White boy!" She slapped him and sent him to his room. When his father came home he came running out and said, "Look Daddy, I is a White boy!" His father slapped him and sent him to his room. Finally the boy's grandmother came home and the boy thought for sure that she wouldn't be so mean, so he ran out and said, "Hey, I is a White boy!" When his grandmother also slapped his face, the boy shouted, "I has only been White for 15 minutes and I already hate you damn niggers!" A nigger finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. When he sees the nigger he says, "Oh, shit. What do you want?" The nigger says, "I want a bridge from America to Africa made out of pure gold." The genie says, "Are you fucking crazy? You know how much gold that would take? That is impossible. Pick something else." So the nigger says, "OK, I want all the little nigger children to be just as smart and good looking as the White children." The genie says, "OK, so that bridge, you want it to be 2 lanes or 4 lanes?" A nigger boy comes home from his first grade class and said, "Momma, all the White kids made an A+ on the math test, but I failed. Why is that?" His mother said, "It's because you are black, my son." Then the boy said, "And all the White kids got an A+ on the spelling test, but I failed that too. How come?" "Because you are black, my son," said his mother. "But then when we took a shower after gym class, I noticed my dick was bigger than all the White boy's dicks. Why is that?" "Well son," she said, "that is because you are 15 years old." A trucker carrying a load of bowling balls picked up 2 nigger hitchikers who were pushing bikes with flat tires. He tells them they have to ride in back with the bowling balls, which is fine with them. A few miles down the road a cop pulls the truck over for speeding and he asks to look in the back of the truck. After a quick glance he shuts the door and tells the trucker to get the hell down the road as fast as he can. Then he gets on the police radio and tells his chief, "I got a truck headed your way, you escort him to the county line and get them to escort him right out of the state, quick!" "Why, what the hell is wrong?" asked the chief. "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong....that truck is carrying a load of nigger eggs and 2 of them have already hatched and stole some bikes!" A chinaman and a jew are drinking at a bar when the jew gets nasty. "You motherfuckers ought to be ashamed of yourselves for Pearl Harbor. Sneaky little shits, bombing all of those innocent sailors, fuck you." The chink replied, "Hey! Wait a minute, that wasn't us! I'm Chinese. Pearl Harbor was done by Japanese." The jew said, "Ahh, Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" So the chink says, "Well, what about your people? Sinking the Titanic and killing all those helpless women and children, I should fuck you up right here." The kike exclaimed, "What the hell are you yapping about? Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it hit an iceberg, you jackass!" The chink said, "Ahh, iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" --- What do you call a nigger drinking out of the toilet? Pushing his luck. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in. Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart? He heard boys' pants were half-off. Who does Michael Jackson consider to be a Perfect "10"? Two 5 year olds. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? He thought it was a delivery service. After his wife had a baby, Michael Jackson asked the doctor when it would be OK to have sex again. The doctor told him he should wait until the kid was at least 12 or 13 years old. A priest and a rabbi were walking down the side walk. On the other side of the street they see a 12 year old boy. The priest says "Lets go fuck him." The rabbi looks for a minute and then says "Out of what?" What do you call 10 niggers in a steam room? Gorillas In The Mist. How does Santa Claus know he's at a Jewish house? There is a parking meter on the roof. What do you call a fag in a wheelchair? Roll AIDS. What do you throw a drowning nigger? The rest of his family. How do you blind a Chink? You put a windshield in front of him. Why did so few niggers vote for Jesse Jackson? He promised them jobs. Did you hear about the nigger who had a heart attack on Halloween? Somebody came dressed as a job. What do you call a French nigger? Jacues Custodian. How is a nigger like a broken gun? It doesn't work and you can't fire it. What do you call 5 niggers hanging from a tree? A Mississippi wind chime. Why did the nigger cross the road? Who the fuck cares why is he out of the cotton field? What do you call a white man surrounded by 100 niggers? Warden. Do you know why flies have wings? So they can get away from the niggers. What's the difference between a pothole and a nigger? You'd swerve to avoid a pothole, wouldn't you? Why don't niggers stick their heads out of moving vehicles? Their lips catching the wind will beat them to death. What do you call a nigger hitchiker? Stranded. What do you call a nigger after his white girlfriend breaks up with him? Homeless. What's the difference between nigger pussy and a bowling ball? You could eat a bowling ball if you had to. How do you get a nigger to commit suicide? Toss a bucket of fried chicken into traffic. What do you call a nigger with an IQ of 15? Gifted. What's the difference between a truckload of watermelons and a truckload of nigger babies? You can't unload watermelons with a pitchfork! What's black and red, wears high top Reeboks and cant go through a revolving door? A nigger with a spear through his head. What qualifies as good behavior in a ghetto school? Raising your hand before you pop a cap in the teacher. What is a nigger's favorite anti-perspirant? Unemployment. Hear about the black version of "Shogun"? It's called "Shonuff." Did you hear about the nigger and the Mexican who opened a restaurant? It's called Nacho Mama. What do you call a black-midget in Ireland? A lepra-coon. What's the first thing taught in a ghetto driving school? How to unlock a car with a coat hanger. Hear about the new perfume for nigger women? It's called "Eau de doo dah day." What is white and has a black asshole? The Washington D.C. Mayor's office. Why were wheelbarrows invented? To teach niggers to walk on their hind legs. What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Canoes tip. What do you call a nigger with a regular job, who doesn't drive a lowrider, sleeps in the same bed every night, doesn't collect welfare, and doesn't rape White women? An inmate. When is the only time you smile and wink at a nigger? When you are looking through the scope on your rifle. What do you call a nigger having sex? Rape. Why don't niggers have check books? They find it too hard to sign their names in spray paint. How can an Ethiopian woman tell when she's pregnant? When she pulls out her tampon and it's half eaten. A man goes into a shop and sees 3 jars on a table. The first jar says "Caucasian Brains, $5.00 a pint". The second says "Asian Brains, $10.00 a pint", and the third says " Nigger Brains, $100.00 a pint." "Hey, why are these nigger brains $100 bucks a pint?" asked the man. The shop owner replied, "You know how many niggers you have to kill to get a whole pint of brains?" A young nigger walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I'm tired of handouts, I want a job." The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big white Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year." The nigger said, "Ah c'mon, you're bullshitting me!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!" A midget walks in to a bar, takes a few shots of whiskey, jumps up on the bar stool and said, "Hey, any of you motherfuckers want to fight me?" A guy 6 feet two inches tall and weighing 253 lbs stood up and said, "I'll fight you!" That little midget jumped on him and beat the shit out of him. Next night the midget walked in and took a few shots, jumped on his bar stool and said, "Hey, any of you motherfuckers want to fight me?" This time an even bigger guy stood up. He was about 6 foot 5 inches and weighed 348 lbs. The midget jumped on him and beat the shit out of him, too. So the bar owner went out and bought a gorilla and locked it in the bathroom. Later that night the midget walked in, took a few shots of whiskey and jumped on the bar stool and asked if there were any sons of bitches that want to fight. This time no one stood up. The bar owner said, "There's a guy in the bathroom that wants to kick your fucking ass." Now the gorilla was in the bathroom for about 6 hours and was really pissed off. That midget walked into the bathroom and there was all kinds of noise for about 2 hours. Finally that midget walked out, sat down all out of breath, looked at the bar owner and said, "Tell that damn nigger his fur coat is in the toilet." Vik Battaile


I thought these were hilarious.  I have no idea if they were true or
just sarcasm carried to delightful lengths



Wayfroy P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from
Arkansas in the last ten years. Loves music. Will demand a mini-cassette  in 
 his helmet. Holds world record for the most "you knows" during an   interview
 (62 in one minute). Wayfroy can print his complete name.

Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring   
record out of Melrose High School, Charlotte, N.C. Also led the state in 
burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2  seconds
in  the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.

Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell: 6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler,Texas.  
Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he  
signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to
chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as.. "red brick".

Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. >From a 3rd generation 
welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow 
and child number 9 have the same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending,
 but feels he will be found innocent because "The dude said something bad   
"bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20 - 20.

Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6' 4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak  
train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on 
Nebraska's helmets stands for "Nowledge", but still meets A & M's stringent  
entrance requirements. Insists on wearing number 32 jersey since it matches 
his score on his College Entrance Exam.

Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6' 10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending  
paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims
will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other
colleges, but was also willing to sign with us. Likes women and Cadillacs. 
Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.

Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6' 10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball 
under the name Sylvester LeRoy Jones. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a 
housing project in Houston. Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear".
  (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words either.)

Note: School track coaches will use several of the above signers in the 
track program. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, they 
will be using a burglar alarm.


Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan all
them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan all the kids to copulate

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd
run over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three,
then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
my name, I can still find my clothes."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting
a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told
a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."------

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