jew Dick Cheney

Jew Hunter

By Viktor Ivanov

For many reasons, it is necessary for us to know who is a Jew and who isn't. Many Jews conceal themselves so cleverly that one needs powerful computers and a keen mathematical mind to uncover them. This is because the Jews are a talented and clever people.

Please do not misunderstand me. I am no anti-Semite. How could any Russian possibly be considered an anti-Semite when our cultures have been so intertwined, and Russia is the most multiethnic state on earth. I am a great fan of the Jewish people's achievements and have many Jewish associates and friends.

Rather, I am a realist on the Jewish question. I want to help them prevent their own mistakes. Unmasking Jews wherever they may be is important for peace between peoples. It is also, I may add, a challenging intellectual exercise which I believe I have mastered. I am the author of two best-selling software programs in the CIS devoted to this exercise, Jewdar and Jewdar2000, which act as a kind of radar system to flush out hidden Jews in our society.

Let us start with the most obvious example. Only recently have your Western newspapers exposed the Jewish origins in Mikhail Khodorkovsky; other Jews in YUKOS have revealed themselves by taking refuge in their Asiatic homeland, Israel. Most Russians, equipped with Jewdar or Jewdar2000 already knew this and expected this to happen. Misha Khodorkovsky's mistake was in underestimating Russians' Jewdar.

If Misha -- Mikhas in Hebrew - had publicized his Jewishness in the last few years -- for example, had he grown out a large black bushy beard with sidelocks and worn a skull cap, or adopted a stiff walk, hawking phlegm from deep in his lungs, then perhaps the Russian people would have felt a little more sympathy for him. They would have said, "There's a Jew who's not hiding himself, we don't need to fear him."

Now let us turn our attention to less obvious Jews. Let us start with Boris Yeltsin. Many people would be surprised to hear this. But they have not considered the fact that Yeltsin is not a Russian name. Have you ever heard a name like "Yeltsin"? I haven't. Also, look at his nose. That is not a Russian nose. That is a Jewish nose, only much thicker. Our research showed that Yeltsin is a changed form of the Jewish last name Elshtein, which in turn derives from the Yiddish word for "of the stone." Elshtein's ancestors were often stoned. They never did anything useful. It is the same today. Russians as a rule do not behave like buffoons after a bottle of vodka, but Jews, who are not genetically inclined towards vodka, will behave in erratic ways when drunk. This is exactly Boris Elshtein's behavior. You may judge Yelstin/Elshtein as you will, but the truth is that his Jewishness is an important historical fact.

The recently-fired chief of President Putin's administration, Alexander Voloshin, is also a Jew, even though it took much hard work to crack his case. This is evident first in his cunning smile and the forward slouch of his large bald head onto his chicken-like torso. The name "Voloshin" is a cleverly-hidden bastardization of the Yiddish word "vashbezm" or "wet mop." Indeed, Voloshin's Jewish paternal relatives were called "wet mops" by members of their shtetl because they were so unskilled with their hands, that they tried to hide their true profession by carrying a wet mop to and from the usury markets. That was where Solomon Vashbezm, Voloshin's great-great-grandfather, made his first family fortune, charging .14 percent lower than the competition.

It was thought by many that Putin himself might be Jewish, and indeed the Jewdar2000 program indicated at one point a 47 rating on the Jewdar Scale. One colleague of mine, Igor Sechin, had at one time connected the name Putin to "Purim," the Jewish holiday. Without going into details, I will just say this. On a certain holiday, as a test, Mr. Sechin decided to hide a square of matzo in his Kremlin office. Putin was not able to find it, though he looked in all the right places. We factored this into our computations, naturally Now, with the sacking of Vazhbezm/Voloshin and the recent action against YUKOS, it appears that Putin is much less Jewish than once suspected, perhaps not even Jewish at all.

Jews have not only managed to conceal themselves in the halls of Russian power and finance. In America, where they are considered to be free and assimilated, it is the most cleverly-concealed Jews who are causing the world the biggest problems today. Why is the Christian Bush Administration so closely allied to Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and the Zionists? There can only be one answer: Sharon's fellow Jews hidden in Washington's corridors of power.

Let's start with the most poorly concealed Jew, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. I am amazed that no Americans have figured this out, but then again my Jewdar2000 program has not yet been translated into English. The "feld" in Rumsfeld is revealed by Jewdar programmists to derive from the Yiddish "fendl" or "saucepan" while the "rums" comes from "krum" or "crooked." Indeed, his ancestors' name was Krumsfendl, or "crooked sauce pan," well back in the 1st century b.c. when Rumsfeld's ancestor, Squeaky Krumsfendl, led the Israelites into an unsuccessful invasion of Rome. He told his soldiers that the march on Rome would be a "cakewalk" and that the Romans would welcome the Jews with "open arms." He devised a plan to "shock and awe" the Romans by arguing with them loudly, but the Romans fled the argument, regrouped, and slaughtered the Israelites with sharp weapons. Krumsfendl escaped and remained popular with the Jews. He blamed their slaughter on "dead-ender Roman legions" whom he said "have no future in the Mediterranean" which he forcefully declared a "region of Judean interest." His prediction came true some 480 years later, leading some to label Krumsfendl a prophet.

More cleverly concealed is the most powerful man in America, Vice President Richard Cheney. How do we know he is a Jew? First of all, the name sounds very Jewish. If in Russia a man would say to me, "Ya Gospodin Cheinee," and he was wearing a nice suit and had oil interests, I would say, "On chto, evrei chto-li?" Indeed, the name Cheney comes from old Yiddish, "Khayney" or "ankles." They grew up in the Jewish ghetto in Stockholm, which they ruled with an iron fist, but they tried to assimilate with the Christians. They carried axes and talked about conquering faraway lands. They enjoyed depressing plays about domestic alienation just like their fellow medieval Swedes. However, the Khayney clan leader, Moishe Khayney, was so obsessed about concealing his Jewishness that he decided to abandon his body-vessel for the comfort and pinkness of a Swedish body-vessel. He managed to exit his own body-vessel by throwing himself into a river, but failed to find another body vessel that was vacant. For 700 years he has been floating the world looking for an empty vessel, and it was only thirty years ago, when Richard Cheney's original occupier abandoned his vessel for his lesbian daughter's that Moishe Khayney was able to become Richard Cheney. I think he is angry with the condition of his vessel and that is why he is taking it out on the world. Reports say that Cheney can often be heard yelling in his residence at night, "I vandered 700 years for zis? Zis piece of junk? I've seen better vessels in the morgue!"

Perhaps if Cheney and Rumsfeld, or ankles and crooked-saucepan, confess to their Jewishness, the world a safer place for everyone, including the Jews whom they purport to represent.