---Deb Schaller <[email protected]> wrote:
>  As a single parent I strongly object to the inferences I have read on this
> subject.
>  I have 3 children ages 15� (f), 12� (m) and 11 (m). 
> If what you say is true, then the fact that I left a marriage where the father
> was emotionally abusive to the children and I is irrelevant in regard to my
> childrens future. 
>  The fact is that their father often had fits of anger during which he would
> break things of importance to the kids. He would often smack them in the head
> on impulse over the slightest infraction. He was known to leave a red mark
> across their back or buttocks from a ill directed hit now and then. (I didn't
> mean to hit them so hard) He is an alcoholic and it was not uncommon for
> him to
> endanger their lives by taking them in a car with him after he had a "few too
> many". It became common-place for the kids to arrive home on a Friday night
> with me after dinner or an activity with their friends to find him barely
> dressed and passed out on the sofa with various take-out boxes strewn
> throughout the previously clean livingroom. 
> These are just a few examples of many that we as a family endured over the
> course of a 15 year marriage. 
>  If I am to follow your line of thinking, you are telling me that my children
> would have been better off staying in a "complete" family unit than being
> raised in a single parent household. So, tell me... are my children damned?
> Am I just a selfish woman? If you think wanting the best for your children
> means staying with an abusive, compulsive, ill tempered, manipulative,
> obsessive, alcoholic husband I think you need to reevaluate what is good,
> right
> and just in this world. Staying in a marriage like this in my mind, would be
> grounds to prosecute me for child abuse and neglect. A parent that stands by
> and watches her children being treated in this manner by another parent is as
> guilty of abuse and neglect as the parent perpetrating the crime. 
>  My children are not perfect. But are any children? A large part of being a
> child is to learn. A large part of being a parent is to teach. What would you
> like single parents to teach their children? To stay in a relationship that is
> not healthy at any cost? That to suffer the abuse of a loved and respected
> parent (we know childrens love for a parent is limitless) is okay? I think
> that
> teaching a child that no matter who the person is, that they have rights
> too is
> wiser. Wouldn't that be a more constructive and healthy education for them?
> The
> right to be treated in a manner that does not hurt them. The right to always
> feel cared for, loved, safe and protected. The right to feel good about
> themselves regardless of how someone else tries to make you feel.
>  I ask you, what were my children learning in our "complete family unit"...
> That is okay for someone that says he loves you to hurt you. That your
> possessions and what matters to you are inconsequential. That if Dad is in a
> good mood and sober this behaviour is acceptable but certainly not when he has
> been drinking (and vice versa because it is never predictable)
>  Teaching a child through example is a powerful and enabling education. I say,
> empower your children. Give them the stregnth to walk away from an abusive
> relationship. Give them through example the stregnth to make their own tough
> decisions in the future. Show them that no matter how rough the road may be
> without the abusive parent there are worse things than coming from a broken
> home. 
>  My childrens father has minimal visitation rights and he pays support.
> However, he still drinks and to my knowledge has yet to take any
> responsibility
> for the failed marriage or the abuses we suffered at his hands. He
> continues to
> undermine my authority with the children, manipulate them, and uses his
> influence on them to misguide them. He is a man possessed with so much
> residual
> anger over the divorce that he is incapable of keeping the best interests of
> his children in mind. In his anger he justifies his continued harrassment
> of me
> without thought to how it will effect his children. 
>  A simple request to the courts for a review and adjustment of child support
> justifies his breaking into my home (for what purpose I have yet to discover)
> and a false accusation against me to CPS as well as a call to the town
> reporting an illegal apartment in my residence.
>  A simple "F*** Y**, get out of my yard" after being grabbed roughly by the
> arm
> justified keying the entire legnth of my car. (yes he was drunk).
>  After requesting and being granted extra visitation with the kids for the
> purpose of family events, he was afraid I would decline an additional request
> and arranged with my children to sneak out of the house and meet him at the
> corner to attend yet another family party. Encouraging them to lie to me if
> caught... "Just going down to the store for a minute", and to undermine me,
> adding, "Don't worry, she will never know you are gone". 
>  So tell me, is this the kind of fatherly influence that I am depriving my
> children of that will most likely have them wind up in prison for their
> crimes?
>  I am a single parent... so shoot me.
>  I welcome your rebuttal.
>    Deb
> (doomed to be a statistic)

Upon divorce, the average mortality rate of your children increased 40%, after compensating for the fact that they too are more likely to get divorced themselves.  Your own average mortality rate doubled and that of your ex tripled. Your children increased their odds of going to prison by 8 times, of committing suicide by 5 times, of having behavioral problems by 20 times, of becoming rapists by 20 times, of running away by 32 times, of abusing chemical substances by 10 times, of dropping out of high school by 9 times, of being seriously abused by 33 times, of being fatally abused by 73 times, of being one tenth as likely to get A's in school, and of having a "72% lower standard of living" [per Lenore Weitzman]. 

Society pays an average lifetime cost to create an SMH of $2 million, including increased welfare, social security, police, judges, social workers, increased education costs, prisons, etc.

You failed in the single most important responsibility you have to society--being a faithful wife and mother.

The Bible now considers you to be a whore and your children to be bastards [A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord, even to his 10th generation, Deuteronomy 23:2].

Your status to your peers and to God is much worse than you think it is.

Your rasty post above is the best anecdote ever for the reasons behind the dismal status of the children of divorce.

You tell me what you think about the choice you made for your children.

John Knight